God Bless Ronald

Figure 1: "What's up, guys?" "Shut up, Roosevelt."

Some right-wing ideologues (and, no doubt, viewers of The Factor) think Ronald "Star Wars and Jelly Beans" Reagan should be added to Mt. Rushmore. To them I emphatically say "P'shaw!" Mt. Rushmore is meant to remind us of the great Americans who not only guided our country through difficult times, but were also Renaissance men far ahead of their time. Lincoln is up there for being able to envision a country where men are not judged by the color of their skin, but by their accents and religion (because Arabs look so damn much like Indians). Teddy Roosevelt's visage reminds us that no matter how powerful corporate interests may be, we'll be able to break them up and place a minor roadblock in their way until they can reorganize themselves a few years down the line. And Jefferson is there to remind us that Lincoln was wrong.

Figure 2: Proof of God's existence?

Who, then, (and by "who," I mean "what," because corporations are people, too) best symbolizes the most significant progressive reform of the last 100 years? Would any of the forefathers who grace the face of Rushmore Mountain have been able to imagine a world where corporations had the same legal status as people? Would any of them responded with anything less than a "P'shaw!" at the notion that corporations would one day cast off the bonds of non-personhood and earn the legal rights that their Creator (Intelligent Designer?) endowed them with -- without the pesky moral and ethical structures imposed on lesser "natural" ("other")people? "No," I say. "Fuck naw."

Figure 3: Taken moments before he was gunned down by authorities. The hamburgers in question have never been located, and supporters believe new DNA evidence may clear his name.

If the new American Dream is the idea that any corporation with the drive to succeed can rise from obscurity to an existence outside the laws of any particular country, what is a more appropriate face for such a dream than a bumbling clown who can't even stop a retarded hamburger thief? If you truly believe in all that America represents in the world today, you'll sign this petition.